Have you ever

looked at humanity, with the absolute sensation of ..
You do not even have a word for it.
As far as I know.
Not disappointment.
Not disgust.
Not hatred.
Not contempt.
Not distrust.
Not disbelief.

But you know.
I imagine parents experience something similar.
When they give a gift at Christmas, and the kid is too spoiled to appreciate it.
You look at them.. like.. this is the best they can do.
That is literally the best they can do.
It is kind of a depressing understanding.
I have that with myself. I never meet my expectations.
Granted I set them higher than what is humanly possible in my situation.
So I understand it. But it is .. not depressing, but kind of similar.
I mean, I have life, and I love it. Far beyond most.
Because whenever I have one of those days, feeling like absolute shit..
There is nothing that ‘cures’ it – no addiction whatsoever.
Drugs, shopping, food or whatever people distract themselves with.
I realise I still have life.
Granted I love to edge, getting close to the edge. Almost dying.
Pushing myself so hard that I lose vision. Faint. Bleed internally.
So I get there. So that I can see over the ‘edge’ which is the … ‘portal’ .. to death.
It is when you are there, on the floor, catching breath, a heart almost stopping.
You see it. All. Everything. Beyond time. Beyond space. Beyond life.
You are all and nothing at once.
You can taste it when you have a really good orgasm, or when you are on psychedelics.
But nothing beats a near life experience. When you are so close to dead, that you almost are.

And then you come back, having seen that.
Having seen beyond it all.
And the first you see is some fucking societal inbreds fighting over words.
Make belief.
Like robots. Like machines. Like intellectual inbreds.
Incapable of transcending their ‘higher thinking’.
So much so that they take offense,
when someone says they only use 10% of their brain.
Which is usually a gross understatement.
They do not even realise that the entire body is the brain.
Indirectly. Since the body upholds the brain.
Yet you have these out of shape inbreds..
Who can barely walk properly, who insists they use 100% of their brain.
Yeah. Sure.

You are like..
You people do not even have a word for it.
Dead without being dead. Meaningless.
A waste of time. A waste of space. A waste of life.
A bunch of living mistakes.
So ignorant that they take life for granted.
So much so that they cry when people die.
As if they did not live. At all.

Have you ever been there?
With a heart on paus.
On the edge.
I have.
Hundreds of times.
So when I see humans.. ordinary humans.
I feel nothing. Nothing at all.
It is like being more dead, than actually dead.
When I am among them.
Because they make me feel nothing.
Like life does not matter.

And it.. ‘something‘ .. me.


The most relatable artwork I know in regard to this is the animation “World Record” from the movie Animatrix. It is as if everything in life *word that does not exist* you, but not life itself.
So you try to push it to the absolute edge, to the absolute limit.
And all you have is inbreds trying to fuck it up for you.
Because they cannot love life.
Only the stuff in it.