PAY ATTENTION

Now it comes around again.
Just like you saw in the synchronicity.
Just like last time.
Just like it did the other time.
Do not sell your voice and vote.
Not this time.
Your sovereignty is more important.
As for now.
Very dangerous taking sides now.
Stay neutral. Stay on the side-line.
Save yourself. First.
You owe them nothing.
Not after what they have done to you.
They owe it to themselves.

You know what is coming.
You can feel it.
Play it safe.
You know what happened last time.
Do not risk it.
Not with what is escalating in the world.
There is a reason why those were the best years.
Next year, it is over.
The effects of your previous choice.
And now you know why.

Now is not the time to rock the boat.
Stay safe. Be safe. Persevere.

– A friend 🧁

Confession

There is one thing that I really dislike with myself.
And that is my reoccurring bitterness.
Especially during the days.
I do not like being edgy.
But it is as if I do not have a choice.

You can think of it as this, as it makes it easier to understand to most people.
If I were an Avenger, well, it depdends.
Asking me, I mean, Tony Stark/Iron Man is the pick. For obvious reasons.
(Black widow if my gal got to pick)
Someone said I reminded of Dr. Strange when it released years ago.
(I have not really kept up with that Universe for a while – I believe since Iron Man 3 or something like that)
But in truth I am probably more like the Hulk.

Always edgy. Always angry.
Due to my never-ending pain.
That is why I sometimes appear to be like a floffy kitten that loves everything just a bit too much.
And the very next moment appear to be a psychopathic cold blooded killer.

Is no fun.
Trust me.
It is not fun being bitter so often.
It takes away a lot of joy.
It is one of my biggest flaws, for sure.

So yeah, that is why I am very concerned about pointing out to not take me too seriously.
I mean, it goes without saying. But some people might assume I take myself too seriously.
Which I most certainly do not. I would not be able to stand myself if I did.
This is the reason why I was very suicidal back in 2014-2016.
I began taking myself too seriously. And could not stand myself.
But I did not know it, because I was not self aware enough.
Then I got high and laughed at myself. And that is how I overcame it. Slowly.
This is also why I shy away more than most. Because I do not want to be high all the time.
And when I am sober, the pain increases, and by so my bitterness.
So I simply do not want to be rude due to me not being able to always control it.

If you find my expressions “cringy”, edgy and bitter.
Just ignore it. I mean it. Unless you like that kind of content, as some do.
Then please enjoy. But keep in mind it is only my emotional outlet, so that I do not go full scale psychopath for real. Written text hurts far less than physical violence – so it is the best I can do.

I feel it needs to be understood.
Because in many cases, I am not really how I express myself due to not having much choice in that moment. This is also reason why I method act a lot, as I try to channel it into played characters, so I can understand them.

But yeah pain.
I most certainly completely understand women during that week.
To the point where it is not even funny to me.

CnT3

Created a music video to a harmonic project I made back in 2016 with some pictures I captured during today’s walk.
Technically, my first official “music” “video”.
Mixing and mastering in the music is absolute shite – but I had no good headphones nor satellites back then. In fact, I still do not have such things since my better headphones broke down. 🙁
So this is more a fun thing.

What (little) you see in the video aside from my legs and asphalt are captures taken in the beautiful nature of Degerfors municipality in Sweden.

See it as a very dark metaphor for life.

Neurogenesis

Think of it as a mental bridge in time.
It is for someone at SAAB.
I cannot see entirely, but someone has an idea they have been working on.
Follow that. It will change a lot.
Enough to leave an imprint in my future.
I can perceive myself reading about it.
But I cannot conceptualise it.
Because it has not happened yet.
This is an earlier lapse in the pattern.
The natural evolution has yet to happen.
You might understand better.
This is my attempt to condense the idea through synaesthesia.
It is arranged to match someone’s perception where it will take hold and inspire/condense:

2009

Sommaren.
Så hade jag en dröm.
Jag har inte delat denna tidigare.
Utom när det hände till mina vänner.

Jag var på festival.
Hyfsat berusad.
I Karlskoga.

Den natten hade jag en dröm om en polis
som jag gav en blomma till.
Jag förstod det inte då.
Men jag minns det,
för vi skämtade om det.
Mina vänner och jag.
Som i att min fantasi
inte kunde välja bättre.
(Rebeller som vi var)
Och för att det var en vacker polis där.
Som de försökte pusha mig till att stöta på.
När vi gick in och ut från området.

Kom att tänka på det tidigare idag.
Det hade fallit ur minnet.

Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Ibland är det som att
ditt hela liv är förutbestämt.
Och det pressar det
i ansiktet på dig.
Så att du blir
konfunderad.
Som i att:
“haha, kolla här om du kan”
“Så här lite makt har du över livet”

Det är som att jag visste innan jag älskade dig att jag skulle.
Som tid beskrivs i kvantteori så är det fullt möjligt.
Jag vet bara en sak säkert.
Jag är glad att jag gav den.

För det gör mig lycklig.
Det är som att Universum leker med mig.
Med den kärlek jag känner för dig.
Förstärker den. Får den att kännas mer.
Även om den inte är “verklig”.

Jag vet inte om Universum får det att hamna hos dig på något vis.
Men jag hoppas det gör dig lika lycklig.
Annars kan du skatta dig lycklig med att din blotta existens gör mitt liv lyckligare.


Rostat bröd

med apelsinmarmelad.

Det är ditt minne.
Och viss musik.
Avtrycket du lämnade.
I mitt minne.

Fuck.
Eto bol’no.

Var det ett år sedan?
Tio, tjugo.. trettio?
Vad säger tiden egentligen.
Hur skulle du veta.
När den är relativ.

Fuck.
Tvoy potseluy.

I drömmen.
Mot mardrömmen.
I tiden.
Där bakom.
Du sjöng så fint.

Fuck.
Moy sladkiy tanzherin.

Ibland undrar jag.
Om du lever än.
Jag vet inte ens.
Om jag vill veta.
Kattjävel.

Fuck.
Vo veki vekov.

Visste du

att namnet på min favorit-pizzeria är Empoli.
Jag skämtar inte. Den var innan jag ens visste.

Jag önskar jag kunde uttrycka hur viktig du är för mig.
Du är bokstavligen överallt i min verklighet, var dag.

Även om du inte är min så är du bland det bästa som hänt mig.
Och jag vet inte ens varför. Varför just du.

Du får mig att känna mer än jag förmår.
Jag lider inte av det, ens lite.
Det hjälper mig att orka hålla mig vid liv.

Detta

är vad jag kände när du tog mig i hand.
Kan du föreställa dig?
En miljon minnen på en gång.
Tusentals orgasmer.
Miljarder tårar.
Triljoner leenden.
Lika många smärtor.
Rädsla, panik, ångest, nyfikenhet, glädje, kärlek – du.

Var rad i din dagbok som ung. Varje ord.
Varje minne när de sa de där sakerna om dig.
Varje fantasi, varje skuldfylld njutning. Drömmar.
Varje arrangerat hjärtslag, vart kompletterade andetag.
Varje hårstrå på din kropp.
Varje cell skapt av din genkod.

Varje sekund på din kurs genom existensen.
Ditt allt, ditt hela du.
Omöjligt att inte älska.

Jag ser med mina händer.