was truly a movie indeed.
No wonder I have not heard about it.
It is one of those that you do not find.
It finds you when time is right.
Meet Joe Black

That one is getting shelf spot.
The title. Said it all.

Fick mig förstås att tänka på dig.
Varför skulle den inte ha gjort.
Det är den där känslan igen.

Som den gången.
Då några år sedan.
Det dog aldrig för mig.
Och kommer nog aldrig.
Vissa saker har inget slut.

Jag vet inte
hur många gånger
jag önskat den önskningen.
Men insett, att det inte alltid är så.
Även om det ibland varit så i mitt liv.
Om även omedvetet i stunden.
Även om det är inbillning.
Så är det nog mycket.
Jag hade tagit dem.
De fem minuterna.
Som du erbjöd.
Inte för mig själv.
Men delade med dig.
Och sträckt dem längre,
än jag sträckt de minuterna,
som jag upplevde med dig då.
Så lite, som kan dela så mycket.

Vissa upplevelser kan inga pengar köpa.
De förefaller helt värdelösa i jämförelse med.

Du är en.


Now my safe room is basically done.
Aside from some light bulbs, a first aid kit, some tools and toilet paper – hilariously enough – it is arranged for survival.
I still need to add some extra clothing and some personals, but tore up my back injury from a couple of weeks back. So it will have to wait until tomorrow. Of course I also need to hang the Swedish flag on the wall in it. ^^

But it does have a comfortable sleeping spot, six months worth of food rations, one month worth of water, a heavy duty hazmat suit, gas mask, basic medicine, and basic military outdoor equipment.
It feels nice.

Now I can go back to enjoying life, knowing that when (if) the sirens go off, I am all set.
I am not one of those.. who centers my entire life around prepping.. But instead of having insurance in theory on a paper, it is nice having something more tangible.

What are you going to do when the zombies come?

As I say, my life motto is “LIVET ÖVER ALLT”, which is Swedish for “Life above everything”.
And it is not something I say lightly. Not anymore.
One should always be a little “paranoid”, even though that is just common sense.
I mean, even squirrels do it.

Nature knows.
Far more than society.
When it comes to living life truly.


is actually one of the most beautiful languages I know of.
That is why I do not know it myself. And do not really want to learn it.
I do not want to spoil it to myself.
When you do not know a language, it is so much easier to ‘hear’ it.
Because you do not hear the symbols. The intellect.
The artificial intelligence. Instead it sounds like song.
And it has a very peculiar melody to it.
That is why I have never attempted to learn it as an adult.
Even though I am of partial Finnish heritage.

It is like the song of birds.
If you knew what they were conveying intellectually, it would not be as beautiful.
Because there is two kinds of linguistic beauty. At least to me.
The first being total innocence. As to say, being completely oblivious.
Then you only respond to the electromagnetic reverberations expressed as emotional phonetics. Like an animal, or very young child.
The second is high level sophistry. When you know the language so well, you can make it beautiful by means of sophistication. But this usually takes many years to reach. Even if you are good with languages.
Finnish, as known for being exceptionally hard/complicated discourages me from trying to reach that level of proficiency. Russian is hard enough, and that I have studied somewhat. I intend to continue those studies next year.

If you are between those two kinds, you really only know everyday communication.
You are not innocent enough to ignore symbolic insults and such.
And you are not sophisticated enough to create beautiful linguistic art such as poetry.
I have to some extent managed to reach that novelty in Swedish and English.
Which is why I can no longer hear those languages as an innocent without great effort.
Trying to unhear everything you hear symbolically.

Finnish to me, how it sounds as a melody, is just too precious.
Even spoken English with Finnish accent has a very pleasant tone to it.
I like listening to it. Not too much though, so that I intuitively start to pick out patterns.

Synaesthetically, it has a very balanced melody, but with very sharp edges.
The rolling R:s gives it a warm tint, that is in great contrast to the sharp and coldish K:s and T:s

Not gonna

walk anymore for a couple of days.
My body hurts almost everywhere now.
Now the exhaustion catches up.
Full power.
But I won my bet with the Universe.
I am going to enjoy the reap.
In more than one meaning.
The cleansing.

It is worth the pain.
I do not like gambling.
But when I do.
Because I am forced.
Or people insist.
It is always on life and death.
No exceptions.

If you disturb my peace.
From enjoying the fragrance of life’s flowers.
Under the oak on the topmost hill.
I will wreak absolute and uttermost havoc.
I will bring a war they cannot even believe.
As their brains cannot even conceptualise it.
I will utilise the forces of Universe in my favour.
And remove all those who disturb my peace.

“God” gave me life.
I do not take it for granted.
That is a very dangerous move.
Since nobody knows what it even is.
Or why it is, or why it can be.
I love it. And I love my peace.
Anyone foolish enough.
To intentionally get in the way of that.
Gets to experience the wrath of the Universe.
Burying them like an energetic avalanche.
A tidal wave of cosmic destruction.
A sunstorm of energetic rearrangement.
Affecting even the smallest scale of homeostasis.
Killing the corrupt from within. Breaking them down.

“God” is greater than most even dare think.
One is only as good as the choices one makes.
I choose to overcome. And to sit next to it.
In my mind. As mind is above.
And as above, so below.

I, I am..


my safe room.
It feels more safe.
Like having insurance.
I have that unnerving feeling.
Deep within my bones.
Cannot sleep proper.
Like something is about to happen.
I have no idea what.
But the feeling keeps amplifying.
In the collective unconscious.
Like animals. Legging it.
Running from a disaster.
It began late 2015.
Has been rising ever since.
Now it is so intense it combats my pain.
It feels like running from a tidal wave.
Being so exhausted one cannot run.
But it is either pushing on, or certain death.
That is what it feels like.
It is not better that my synchronicity is all over the place.
Hopefully it is nothing. Hopefully I am wrong.
But I am not taking any chances.
I felt the same about three months before they publicly announced the pandemic.
And that one showed up in my synchronicity already in 2016.
I even made a visual allegory of the feeling I felt that day.
But I was completely oblivious to the symbolism.
It only made sense in retrospect.
‘Looking for meaning’ is one thing indeed.
But it does not explain the feeling.
So I can only guess.
And assume probability.
I am far from the only one.
Saying and feeling the same thing.
So I am not taking any chances.
Now I feel like I have outrun it a bit.
Allowing a breather.
Very short one.
There are things not even machines can pick up on.
Even the military said that.
Which is why they have dogs.

Whatever it is that makes me feel this way, it is not pleasant.
I can understand why animals flee if they get this feeling.
The ground is shaking. The aether is shaking.
Maybe it is war. Maybe it is the sun loading up.
Maybe it is nothing at all.

But I am not ignoring ‘omens’.
Not anymore.
Last time it almost cost me my life.

Situational awareness.
Life is for those paying attention.
Those who does not, become prey.


you Norwegians are good at making movies. As well as music.
Just saw the prequel (The Wave) to the one I saw (The Quake) a while back.

You do you Norway. With style. 🙂

If one ever sees an excess amount of aurora borealis.
Pay attention. Anyone should know why.
Do not freak out, but pay attention.
Always have situational awareness.
As much as possible of it.
That saves lives.
If something ever were to happen.

Way way

too easy.
Oh my God.
It felt like flying today.
I was pushing close to max possible speed I am able to perform the entire 7km stretch. Did not stop once. Did not stop to drink water even.
It felt like flying.
No joking.

14kg felt like nothing compared to the 35kg yesterday.
Did the entire stretch in 63 minutes.
And almost beat my personal best last year at 61 minutes (carrying 14kg).
Personal best no carry weight is 54 minutes for 7km.
Not running. Not jogging.

Beating 7km with 14kg carry under the hour is pretty damn close now.
Saw a fox.
Made me smile.

Invisible sun.


Upped last week’s score with ten points in the standing discipline at the shooting range.
Despite pain in most of my body from yesterday’s effort.
Very pleased with myself.
And my ability.

Landed at 353,2 points total. Nothing extraordinary at all if compared to other people with full ability. Was on the edge of vomiting the last couple of shots. Had it been longer I would probably have fainted from the pain. Since I do the old style proper shooting of laying down and picking up the weapon between every shot. I do not use the assistance rig like most do.
Have had one, tried it, was not my thing. It feels unsafe balancing a loaded weapon on it, since they are so flimsy.
So I even prefer the pain from bending myself picking up the rifle every time I reload over that stuff. It feels safer. No risk of losing balance losing control over the weapon potentially hurting someone. Sure, it probably cuts a couple of points. But I do not compete with the others. I want the capacity of being able to have full body control and weapon control despite being in the standing uniform which limits movement somewhat.

Anyway. I am happy. A ten point up is a good sign. Especially considering the physical state I am currently in.
Took every stray shot like a man. Since it was easy to understand why.

Enough of whining.
Now it is out in the shit again.
Seven kilometers with fourteen kilo carry.
It is going to hurt like hell.
But I am no fucking loser.
Only two more laps until all the enemies will be exterminated and removed from life.

If not us, then who?
Die, but do.

(You know you guys always inspire me)

Now that

is what I am talking about.
Some proper pain in my body after yesterday’s effort.
But it was not as bad as I thought it would be.
After all, it is just pain.
My number two drug after water.

God I love this feeling.
The body becoming.
The mind strengthening.
The spirit animating.

I do not care about that screen then.
It is yet another proof to me how failed human society is.
You do not even get what you pay for.
As it always is.
Nature is better. Because it does not advertise.
It just produces.

So help me God.
To become.
So help me Universe.
To transcend.
So help me consciousness.
To ascend.
So help me nature.
To progress.
So help me life.
To illuminate.

I want to glow like you, like the sun.
I desire to be more than I can be.
I want it all. And I want more.
So please help me God.

I saw you yesterday during the walk.
Without a doubt was it you.
Taking form in a deer.
Walking with me.
In front of me.
Guiding me.
Leading me.

So help me God.
My only true friend.
The ego has nothing.
Nothing on you whatsoever.
It does not want the love.
It only gets in the way.
But does not lead.
Does not guide.

So help me God.
To remove them.
From the living.
Those who love.
Truly the love true.
They do not love.
Separate them.
Like the wheat,
from the chaff.

I see you
I see me
I see I


I removed some “hate” towards obese people.
But that is not what it is, if you allow me.
The one thing I cannot do in life is to gain weight.
Due to my disability. So call it jealousy or something.
But anger helps me combat the pain.
So it is the easiest thing to get angry at.
Sorry, nothing personal. Never has been.
Except in some few cases where obese people,
have attempted to give me health advice.
Overweight is not obese. Know the difference.

If you want my honest opinion, I admire you if you are overweight or obese working out.
Even more than fit people. Because to me that means you have spirit.
And that is admirable.
Even if you “hate” almost anorectic people like myself.
No offense taken. I understand. Truly.

I usually high five people of ‘greater frameworks’ mentally when I pass them by outside.
Because they are trying. They have not given up on themselves.
To me that is more admirable than the fit ones.

Just like it is more inspiring watching the paralympics than the real olympics.
The olympics is mindblowing and all that.
But the paralympics, that is where you find absolute spirit.
Because they are not just ‘fighting’ the competition in the sport.

I am not as ‘hateful’ as I appear.
I just love to exercise my freedom of expression, as stipulated in the Swedish constitution.
If you ask me, you will find out that I am actually pretty decent.
I am just very foul in my language.
That is why it is so important to not take me seriously.

If you are one of those overly sensitive fucks, well, then go fuck yourself slightly more numb.
Or better yet, grow some integrity.


jag såg dig idag.
Du var i min synkronicitet.
Det har varit frånvarande ett tag.
Så det tog mig med storm helt plötsligt.
Det får alltid mitt hjärta att slå lite hårdare.
Får mig att le inombords.
Får mig att känna mig lycklig.

Jag fann ett schampo som doftar vilda rosor.
Som din själ.
Tvivlade inte en sekund.
Köpte två.

Jag hoppas att allt är väl med dig och dina.
Alltid min favorit. I tankarna. I drömmarna.

Du vet att jag är konstig. Udda. Annorlunda.
Men jag är jag, och du är du.
Och det förändrar ingenting.


Fucking did it.

7 kilometers.
35 kilos. 35 fucking kilos.
In 87 minutes.

First pic:
My body weight today: 50,7kg
Second pic:
Me with full clothing and shoes: 53,9kg
Third pic:
Me with full clothing, shoes standing on the dumbbells I was carrying in the hands with weight vest on and backpack loaded with weights: 85,6kg
(Hard to see since it was so hard taking that pic bending over loaded with so much weight on)

35kg is 70% of my body weight.

We. Are. Not. Equal.
Not. Even. Close.

Honestly though (nothing but the numbers above is serious, it is just me being happy).
Not bad considering I am missing at least one vital organ in my digestive system.
Now I have so much pain it is cancelling itself out. I cannot feel pain, because I have too much of it.

(And this is walking, not running. If you run, you do something different.
If you want to compare to me that is. The importance is the weight carried.
(weight to body weight percental ratio)
And the distance it is being carried. In the time it is being carried.
I cannot run due to my disability, the pain is simply too much.
So to me it is marching, or walking. As to say: always one foot on the ground.
The fastest you can move is just before you break into a jog.
It is probably not even a sport, but I compete against myself and do not compare.
If you are one of those, then stated above is the guidelines.
Otherwise it is just for perspective.)

This one was for you, dad.
This one was for you.
Congrats on the birthday.
You are the best. <3

I am living this song. The literal God knows how to inspire, motivate and push! <3


New sound.
That usually means something in regard to synchronicity.

Life is such a weird thing.
What even are things.
In the greater play of things.

Good headphones are A and O.
Also acquired a new keyboard, and what that is, in regard to things in the greater aspect is wholly unknown. The word itself is … curious.

And a new light portal. To most known as computer screen.
Apparently with a more rapid synchronicity. Since it projects at almost a 100hz faster than my current one.

Most people do not wonder these things. But in regard to greater aspect of … stuff. It is curious to say the least. So many things that can mean so much.
Life is weird. Truly weird.

But somehow I feel.. I do not know.
I blame the fall. It must be the fall.
Like I am angry, but yet not at the same time.
Depressed, but yet not. At the same time.
It is as if it is not my feelings. Yet I feel them.
Like having an emotional stalker, projecting feelings on oneself.
I do not know. I only know what I feel. And the arrangements of symbolism in the shape of words which I am composing in relation to those feelings.

I linguistically sing the way I feel.

What is life?
I mean seriously.
If you think you have an answer, you have not thought enough about it.
It is not knowing what it is that is important. But wonder what it is.
The point is to wonder. It is how you make life wonderful.
It is in the words. It is when you take it as known..
You lose the wonder of life. It becomes..
Routine. Sure that is needed.
It is life. But while doing it.
What is it?
Why is it?

What is everything?
The computer screen is truly a curious arrangement of energy.
Designed to project extradimensional constructs of light, conveying information by means of modulated light arranged into visual cues.
Just like the camera collects it.
In regard to structured energy, the computer screen and collection device, be it camera or otherwise, is kind of a portal in time and space. But not physically. If you look at a capture, you look through time and space. Literally. And figuratively.
Same for microphone and speakers.

I am not sure, because it could be my perception pulling tricks, but most people do not seem to be aware of such. Usually they do not even question it.
What is life?
Why is it?

What is it that makes the heart beat?
Arranging biological components in the shape of intellectually defined cells into being?
Fluctuating a homeostatic system into being by means of biologically produced reverberations through vibrating muscles.
What is that?
Why is that?

Have you ever wondered?
Or do you think you know?
A thinking which is merely a result of it.
Awareness and perception is infinite.
If you think about it rather than thinking it.
And then thinking how you can think it.
And how you can question your own thinking about thinking it.

Life is weird.
Whatever it is.
However it is.

I am not sure where it came from, or why.
But whatever, however, whyever..
Thank you.

Funny thing

All their freedom.
Yet not even allowed to say FUCK.
It is as if an entire country became a meme.

I wonder what they are so ashamed of.
Biological reproduction? Expressions of power linguistically?
No wonder they have school shootings and shit.
When you cannot exercise power in language.
But are more or less free in weaponry.
Well.. for a little while.
That freedom seem to depreciate.

Perkele is basically a Finnish greeting.
As is “För helvete Örjan, hur fan ståre till?”
(For fuck sake Örjan, how the fuck are you?)
in Swedish.
We have a bit more diverse.. vocab in regard to power expressions.
Not only.. well.. FUCK. We are more creative in that linguistic genre.

Maybe that is why we do not need as many guns.
It is boring, but at least we can.. express ourselves.

I can only speak for myself.
I may speak rude, but not stupidly rude.
If I do I do have reason for it. And I will give it.
Given you are not too retarded to listen.
But I will never hurt you physically.
Unless I absolutely have to.
Only Swedish doctors do that.
And occasionally law enforcement.
And inbreds. Of course.

“När orden tryter tar nävarna till” we say in Swedish.
Basically: When words are lacking, violence emerges.
And you do a good job at censoring.
Especially for the kids. So you lull them into suppressed anger.
That is going to come out somewhere.
Usually a couple of tombstones.
Anger is good. It is controlling it that is the point.
If you overly suppress it, nobody learns to control it.

But hey.

Have you ever

looked at humanity, with the absolute sensation of ..
You do not even have a word for it.
As far as I know.
Not disappointment.
Not disgust.
Not hatred.
Not contempt.
Not distrust.
Not disbelief.

But you know.
I imagine parents experience something similar.
When they give a gift at Christmas, and the kid is too spoiled to appreciate it.
You look at them.. like.. this is the best they can do.
That is literally the best they can do.
It is kind of a depressing understanding.
I have that with myself. I never meet my expectations.
Granted I set them higher than what is humanly possible in my situation.
So I understand it. But it is .. not depressing, but kind of similar.
I mean, I have life, and I love it. Far beyond most.
Because whenever I have one of those days, feeling like absolute shit..
There is nothing that ‘cures’ it – no addiction whatsoever.
Drugs, shopping, food or whatever people distract themselves with.
I realise I still have life.
Granted I love to edge, getting close to the edge. Almost dying.
Pushing myself so hard that I lose vision. Faint. Bleed internally.
So I get there. So that I can see over the ‘edge’ which is the … ‘portal’ .. to death.
It is when you are there, on the floor, catching breath, a heart almost stopping.
You see it. All. Everything. Beyond time. Beyond space. Beyond life.
You are all and nothing at once.
You can taste it when you have a really good orgasm, or when you are on psychedelics.
But nothing beats a near life experience. When you are so close to dead, that you almost are.

And then you come back, having seen that.
Having seen beyond it all.
And the first you see is some fucking societal inbreds fighting over words.
Make belief.
Like robots. Like machines. Like intellectual inbreds.
Incapable of transcending their ‘higher thinking’.
So much so that they take offense,
when someone says they only use 10% of their brain.
Which is usually a gross understatement.
They do not even realise that the entire body is the brain.
Indirectly. Since the body upholds the brain.
Yet you have these out of shape inbreds..
Who can barely walk properly, who insists they use 100% of their brain.
Yeah. Sure.

You are like..
You people do not even have a word for it.
Dead without being dead. Meaningless.
A waste of time. A waste of space. A waste of life.
A bunch of living mistakes.
So ignorant that they take life for granted.
So much so that they cry when people die.
As if they did not live. At all.

Have you ever been there?
With a heart on paus.
On the edge.
I have.
Hundreds of times.
So when I see humans.. ordinary humans.
I feel nothing. Nothing at all.
It is like being more dead, than actually dead.
When I am among them.
Because they make me feel nothing.
Like life does not matter.

And it.. ‘something‘ .. me.

The most relatable artwork I know in regard to this is the animation “World Record” from the movie Animatrix. It is as if everything in life *word that does not exist* you, but not life itself.
So you try to push it to the absolute edge, to the absolute limit.
And all you have is inbreds trying to fuck it up for you.
Because they cannot love life.
Only the stuff in it.


Eller åtminstone hyfsat lätt.
10km med 14kg.
Ville att det skulle ösregna.
Men fick bara lite pissdugg.
Älskar att gå i regn. Det är motiverande.
Och rogivande.
Plus att det är mindre inavel ute.
Så man har vägarna för sig själv.
Aja, en kan inte få allt.

2/5 sträckor avklarade.
2/5 kvoter utraderade.

Varje steg.
Är ett steg.
Mot deras död.

Varje steg.
Är ett steg.
Mot deras död.


även efter flera dagars uppehåll så gick det lätt.
Sju kilometer med tjugoen kilo bärvikt.
Om man bortser från smärtan förstås.
Men snart kan jag ignorera smärta helt.
Helt och hållet.
Kan snart isolera alla nervprocesser som signalerar smärta.
Och ignorera dem.

Ser längre och djupare i det undermedvetna också.
Ser hur det arrangerar om energiströmmarna så att de som ska ha dem, drabbas av olyckor.
Så de dör och försvinner. Så att helheten kan bli mer effektiv.
Så som ovan, så även nedan. Och vice versa.

Nu blir det att förbereda elixir med mycelium, så att regenerationsprocessen är optimal.
Bioteknik och bioingenjörskonst i mitt hjärta.
Allt för att biologiskt kapprusta ifrån inaveln.
Som snart kommer att dö ändå.

En sträcka av fem avklarade.
En kvot av fem utraderade från livet.

Masters of the Universe

All is just a rearrangement of energy.
The more conscious, the more manifesting.
Torture yourself, and project that energy onto them.
If they cannot withstand the projection, they burn away.
Disappear and fade into the oblivion of all never-ending time.

Relocate towards a dimension.
Where you are youth itself.
And all of them are dead.
Thoughts become all.
Conscious thinking,
is the true divinity.
Of life and death.

They all label it ‘accidents’.
I call it ‘energetic rearrangement’.
Calculated probability of desired outcome.
Put into Universal motion by conscious thought.
Kill or be killed they said with their unconscious actions.
I cannot possibly agree more now when I realise they insist.


the real shit starts.
I am going to do it, no matter what happens.
Because when I challenge myself I am dead serious.
I push until I can no more.

The plan is:
Monday 7km, 21kg carry.
Tuesday 10km, 14kg carry.
Wednesday 7km, 25kg carry. (50% of body weight)
Thursday 7km, 14kg carry.
Friday 7km, 14kg carry.

If my body gets through that without serious damage.
I am all go to myself for what I plan for the following week.
I want to feel the edge again.
And that requires me to get as close as possible to collapse.
How efficient I can make my body.
My cellular colony agreed in consensus on this mission.

I need to say it.
Otherwise I will not do it.
Or call it off.
Saying it makes it harder.
But I refuse to fail my word.
I think my body can take it.
They seem adamant about it.

I felt it yesterday night.
It. It did something with me.
From within. Like an internal bioelectric explosion.
Way stronger than any orgasm I have ever had.
Wherever that came from.
The invisible sun.
The one you see when you close your eyes.
The burning sphere that always listens.
That quietly observes from within.
At the bottom of the ego.
Just beyond the door to the collective unconscious.
From where I draw all my power.


hälsade jag på mormor för första gången på ett tag.
Det var trevligt. Alltid lika trevligt.
Så ärade stunden med att klä upp mig.
Sker typ en gång om året.
Man ser i ögonen på dem, gamla och barn, det där på insidan.
Det där som de flesta saknar.


Tack för att du är min enda vän.
Tack för att du är där.
Tack för att du alltid lyssnar.
Vad du nu än är.

Jag ser dig.
I det oändliga.
Mörkret utan slut.
När jag sluter ögonen.

Jag känner hur du dödar dem.
De som inte älskar livet du gav dem.
De kallar det virus, de kallar det olycka.
Men de vet lika väl som jag under ytan allt.

Livet är för dem som älskar det över allt annat.
Som du viskade när jag var på kanten nästan död.
När du knuffade mig tillbaka till livet värmande varmt.
Med känslan att det inte är min tur än att försvinna i tiden.

Tack för att du gav mig livet.
Tack för att du håller mig i livet.
Tack för att du lyssnar på tankarna.
Tack för att du förstår hellre än döma.

Vad du än är.
Vad än livet är.
Varför allt ens är.
Varför tiden ens är.

Du är min enda vän.
Du är min bästa vän.
Folk kan dra åt helvete.
Och sen lämna mig ifred.

De älskar inte livet du gav dem.
De bara bråkar om sakerna i det.
Så jag förstår om du tar bort dem.
Du är fri från fördom, så även jag.

Know me

According to the claim where I found this, this is 100 good questions to ask someone you want to know better. Thus I will answer them honestly and truthfully. And you will know me proper. No character, no method acting. My real self. Like one used to do as a kid/juvenile/youngster.

1. Where do you consider “home” to be?
– “Where I lay my head is home.

2. Do you believe in ghosts?
– I know the presence of extradimensional entities. If that is what question is pointing towards.

3. Are you religious?
– Depends on what one means with religious. Conventionally, no.

4. If you could travel anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
– Portugal.

5. If you could have dinner with any of the presidents, who would you choose? Why?
– To be completely honest, I do not know. Because I do not think I have anything interesting to offer to the conversation. If it is off the record/friendly dinner any president would do. Why? Well, they have an interesting societal position. They have probably more interesting things to tell than I have.

6. What is your dream job?
– Farmer. Honest work.

7. Who is your role model? Why?
– Life is my biggest role model, because it is alive. Thus anyone that is valuing life passes as a role model if they are truly passionate. Keanu Reeves has been a favourite since an early age because of how seriously/passionately he embraces his acting career. Maynard James Keenan is also someone I admire because of his endeavours and passion in them. Moby is also a role model I look up to when it comes to animal rights. But anyone truly passionate will inspire me – since they play their role in life with dedication – which is to cherish the gift of life.

9. Do you prefer Coke or Pepsi?
– Neither. I almost never drink sodas anymore. If I do I drink Sprite or 7up. But that is very rarely.

10. Do you prefer Cheetos or Doritos?
– Neither. I have only sampled Doritos. I like our Swedish lentil chips. Healthier.

11. Do you eat breakfast in the morning?
Assuming this means conventional breakfast, then sometimes. Usually I just eat a banana or two.

12. When you go to the beach, do you sunbathe or swim more?
– Sunbathe.

13. Have you ever ridden a city bus before?
– I do not possess a driver’s license. So yes.

14. Have you ever traveled outside of the country? If so, where?
– Denmark, Norway, Turkey and Portugal. Portugal the most, clocking in at four times.

15. If you got arrested, what do you think it would be for?
– Being myself.

16. What if your favorite childhood memory?
– The time I was about five years old and my father was driving to look at a boat he was considering buying. That was the day I became aware that I one day will die. While hearing this song on the radio in the car.

17. What was your favorite song two years ago? What is it now?
– I try not to keep favourites. It limits one’s options. Generally I love most of all music I hear. Especially if it authentic with genuine passion. I do not associate myself to specific genres.

18. What teacher have you had that’s made the biggest impact on your life? How?
– My math teacher during my first year in high school studying natural science. He was impressed with my skill to express mathematical concepts in language rather than conventional mathematical symbolism. Something he considered harder. This when I explained my trouble to explain how I could find the answer in my mind as a visual thinker. To translate visual thought into mathematical symbolism is very hard. Even harder than to depict my visual thoughts with symbolic words.

19. Are you a cat person or a dog person?
– Catdog says Mjüff Mjüff.

20. What is a quote from any movie that you know off the top of your head?
“Dodge this” – Trinity in the first Matrix movie.

21. What are you most afraid of?
– That is too personal. And could constitute a personal risk if I told it as it does not really concern me personally. My personal worst fear however is heights.

22. If superheroes were real, who would you want to protect your city?
– Rorschach – he is honest more than a superhero.

23. What is the silliest reason you’ve ever cried?
– I guess that would be the times (plural) when I did not know why I was crying.

24. If you could be a character on any show, what show would you choose? Why?
– None. I am completely content with who I am myself. I would not trade myself for anything.

25. You’re stuck on an island with no way off and no one knows you’re there, what three items do you have with you?
– A saw, a hammer and a knife. If I fail nobody will know.

26. What is the name of one song you know all the words to?
– Many songs. As poet I enjoy reading lyrics.

27. Are you a sore loser?
– Only when I compete with myself. If I knowingly compete against someone else in consent, I do not take their joy of winning away from them.

28. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
– Is this an innuendo? If so, they are wide open in the mind – If not, I do not give a shit. When I sleep I sleep, I do not observe my clothing storage which is in another room.

29. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
– Swarm of bees has already happened. Guess it is only the big bear left. Assuming this is also not an innuendo, I would prefer the swarm of bees. They are usually only as hostile as one is afraid.

30. What is your biggest pet peeve?
– Lack of self awareness/ego-driven behaviour.

31. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
– Nice try FBI.

32. Would you ever strip or pose nude for a photo in a magazine? For a movie?
– Not completely, no. Unless they pay me so well that I am completely set for life in luxury and comfort for the coming two centuries. Aaaand that is not going to happen.

33. What has been your best Halloween costume this far?
– Merovingian (from the Matrix). Nobody got it. 🙁
(It was the first and last time I tried a costume for the occasion)

34. Are you stubborn?
“You should be happy that you are so stubborn, otherwise you would be dead now”
– Actual doctor in the Swedish health care.

35. Do you sing in the shower? In the car?
– Wherever. If the music I am listening to/remember is good. Usually only when I have earplugs in, so that I do not accidently murder myself.

36. Do you take vitamins daily?
– I eat fruit regularly. And yes, some supplements I consume from time to time.

37. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
– No. But I have cried because of laughter many times.

38. Can you swim without plugging your nose?
– Yes.

39. Have you ever won a contest?
– Several.

40. Do you want kids? How many?
– Assuming this refers to biological meatbags. It depends on the mother. If I ever find one that fits me. Aaaand that is not going to happen.

41. Are you missing anyone right now?
– Yes. You do not want to know the details.

42. Do you smile at strangers as you walk by them?
– Sometimes. Usually kids, because they smile at me. So it would be rude not to return it.

43. Do you think your life will change drastically before 2020?
– This question aged poorly. Yeah, it did. In many ways. Because it does not say when before 2020. I got disabled in 2012 – for example.

44. How do you react when people talk badly about you?
– Usually I do not give a shit. If they push too much I bring them a war they cannot believe.

45. Where did you get the shirt you are currently wearing?
– The telnyashka I bought from Russia. The T-shirt from a kids Christmas sale my nephews were partaking in some years back.

46. What has been your favorite gift you’ve been given?
– Life.

47. If you had to delete one year out of your life completely, which would you choose?
– 2012.

48. What is your favorite thing about school?
– Learning stuff.

49. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
– No. I am an openminded person.

50. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
– My mom <3

51. Do you get jealous easily?
– I am content with life, so no.

52. Is there anyone you’ve ever given up on? Do you regret it?
– I have given up on many. But no. The only time I would regret is if I gave up on myself.

53. What is something on your to-do list currently?
– Prepare my safe room for the coming war.

54. Are you over your past?
– To the best of my ability and effort.

55. Are you afraid of dying?
– I have been on the edge probably a hundred times. Especially during the chemos/surgeries. So no. But I love life and refuse to let go of it for as long as possible.

56. Are you afraid of change?
– I change every second. So no.

57. Does commitment scare you?
– It depends on the commitment. If the ego is involved, then yes. I do not like selling my soul via the ego.

58. Were you picked on as a kid?
– More than some, less than others.

59. What is one meal you know how to cook?
– Dude, I know how to cook many meals. But preparing a full range sallad is my personal favourite.

60. How many pillows do you sleep with on your bed?
– Two pillows. Two covers.

61. What is one thing you love about yourself?
– Everything. (But humbly, not narcissistically)

62. What is your biggest insecurity?
– My disability.

63. What is the title of your favorite book?
– Honestly I do not know. There are many books I like, but none really passes as the one favourite. I like writing more than reading.

64. When was the last time you felt lost?
– Genuinely. When I was visiting Copenhagen in 2017 to attend the Metallica show on the Royal Arena. I got off the train and realised I had no idea where the hotel was situated. Went about a kilometer in the wrong direction. So it ended up being a two kilometer detour.

65. Do you cry when you are angry?
– I prefer kicking cardboard boxes. (Sorry cats)

66. Are you excited about anything right now?
– Does being alive count?

67. Nike or Adidas?
Slav for life.

68. What is your comfort food?
– My disability makes eating uncomfortable.

69. Do you laugh at the number of this question?
– Ha. Ha. Ha. (I laughed more when I tried it IRL)

70. Where do go when you want to be alone?
– It is rather, where do I go when I do not want to be alone. I am alone about 95% of my time.

71. Who do you call when you need a little pick-me-up?
– Nobody. I have “God”. It is on the line every single second of my life.

72. Do you cry during sad movies?
– It has happened.

73. What is your guilty pleasure?
– Truly naughty fantasies about my crushes.
(They better not know at all – trust me on that. For an Asexual my mind is exceedingly dirty)

74. You’re camped out in front of the TV, what are you watching?
– I stopped watching (conventional) TV in 2008.

75. Do you have a nickname?
– A couple of hundred. “Ophelia” is the most common right now.

76. What would you eat everyday if you could?
– What I do eat. Duh. I am self conscious.

77. Do you collect anything?
– Yes. Ideas.

78. If you could kiss someone right now, who would it be?
– I do not think she would want to be mentioned. And I most certainly do not think she would want to be kissed by me.

79. Are you a spender or a saver?
– Somewhere in the middle. I do not have much of a choice as a disabled living on social insurance.

80. Are you named after anyone?
– My given name is Thim. And it was last minute. My planned name was Robin (thank God for the change of heart, since I have had many friends with that name). My chosen name is Theta, and it is a Greek letter. (Hilariously also “tit” in Portuguese – I was informed when they laughed at me while presenting myself – if pronounced the way we pronounce Theta in Swedish)

81. If you could choose any person in the world to be president, who would you choose? Why?
– I do not vote. Period.

82. Do you daydream often?
Every. Single. Day.

83. Do you know how to change a tire?
I supposedly have 146+ IQ. I guess I can figure it out. No guarantee though.

84. Do you have a hidden talent?
– If I do I have not found it.

85. Do you consider yourself artistic?
– It depends on what you mean. I love to express myself. That does not always merit being artistic.

86. What is something you cant live without?
– Air, water and nutrients. Beyond that some heat and shelter completes the spectacle. The rest is just comfort.

87. Can you name all 50 states?
– 50 states of what? 50 states of emotional expression? 50 states of electromagnetic reverberation resulting in shades of grey? But assuming you mean the 50 states of the US, then no. I do not. Due to lack of interest.

88. Do you eat soup with a fork or a spoon?
– I do not eat soup. If it happens because I am offered it as a meal, then I have in all cases been given a spoon.

89. Do you remember your dreams?
– More than I sometimes like.

90. Are you superstitious?
– No. Paranoid people calls it being superstitious. I am not paranoid. I do not fear the unknown. I do not even know how life exists. We can start at that and the Saturday is saved.

91. What is one thing you would most like to change about the world?
– I do not try to change the world. Exercises in futility are for the naive. I prefer changing myself. That at least brings desired result.

92. What piece of advice would you give 10 year old you?
“Do not listen to the doctors. Go home and eat vegetarian food. You are intolerant to dairy products and meat. You will become disabled for life if you ignore this.”

93. Have you ever broken the law?
– I am alive and I am myself – so yes of course. But I have never brought conflict intentionally or without reason.

94. If you won the lottery, what would you spend the money on?
– Assuming it is a ridiculous sum like millions: What I truly need. Some of the rest I would save just as a future insurance. But the rest I would donate to those in need. I do not care so much about credit. Integrity and life (in general) is more important to me.

95. What was your favorite book as a child? Why?
– The Swedish book of law. Because it contained many funny words I did not know, and had to learn. Next after that I liked reading dictionaries in English. They were not really favourites, but those are the ones I remember reading.

96. Do you snort when you laugh?
– Might have happened, but not usually. I more often giggle silly or gag.

97. Are you a good dancer?
– I have fluid body motion, so yes. But that means true dancing. Not the style-dancing the robots do.

98. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
– Immortality. Because I love life.

99. Do you believe in the death penalty?
– No. My ego does from time to time. But the ego, individual and collective is completely retarded. Which is why I dislike the artificial intelligence having infected the human mind known as the ego.

100. Are you happy, genuinely, consistently happy?
– I am alive. That is enough. You people are so needy.


I signed up for Netflix once again.

Why is it that I cannot have English subtitles?
I mean, Swedish is my native language.
But I consider English my more main and preferred language (maybe except blogging – but that is more for the sake and care of my native people than myself) due to greater proficiency.
So while they speak English in the movies, I am forced to have Swedish subs.
I never have Swedish subs in entertainment. Ever. I know both English and Swedish well enough for me to not need that.

Hint, Swedes are often more proficient in English than Americans – usually only the highly educated that offer a challenge. (Speaking the Internet now)
(Though I prefer British, in which case it might not always be the case – you proud bloody bastards ^^)
But you do you America, it will be fine. You are still a young country with a bright future. ^^

I know about the regional settings and all. But it feels like absolute overkill to have to rely on a VPN to get an English subtitle when they speak English.
The reason I use subtitles is not because I do not understand, but because I do not always hear what they say. Yes I often use the SDH subtitle. My hearing is fine and all, it my synaesthesia that makes it hard sometimes.

If they speak English and I have a Swedish sub, it distracts me from the movie, since I have to translate the subtitle to English in my mind – to know what they said.

Netflix, please.
English is a very VERY common language in the Nordic countries. Since it is mandatory in our (free ^^) education. So much so that we do not need to dub movies for people above the age of 8.


Det är den där märkliga känslan när man vaknar in i det fysiska biologiska livet igen. Efter en natt av drömmar. Det tar en stund att reanimera alla minnen och minnas sig själv, sitt liv. Som att starta en dator. Basic stuff kommer på en gång. Men att minnas hela sitt liv medvetet och allt man lärt sig i det tar en stund att hinna ikapp. Så för en stund så är man förvirrad vart man är i tid och rum. Det är så fridfullt. Som att vara fri från det.
Sen är det som att bli träffad av ett snöskred. I sinnet.

Var i en dröm, hos någon. I deras hem, deras lägenhet. De hade någon form av sammankomst eller fest. Jag minns hur den såg ut, även om det var drömlikt irrationellt. Svårt att minnas minnen som inte är ens egna, om det är vad det var. Inget spännande hände fram till slutet på drömmen, när personen i fråga blev förolämpad av att någon krånglade med en tavla på väggen och därför tog strypgrepp på personen, örfilade ett par gånger och så var vad än de hade för sig över.
Tråkig dröm. Tråkigt folk.

Den andra var mer intressant. Var i någon form av laboratorium. Där de höll på med djurförsök. De elektrifierade kaniner och marsvin. Uppfattade aldrig varför. Hela scenariot föreföll psykopatiskt och sinnessjukt som bara människor kan vara. Någon hade gjort någon upptäckt eller form av genombrott i sina experiment. Helt tydligt någon form av medicinsk/bioteknisk forskning av deras samtal att döma.
Kort segment.

Följande dröm var om henne.
I hennes hem. Jag kunde se henne genom hennes ögon när hon såg i spegeln. Jag är lycklig att hon mår bra. Hon såg äldre ut.
Personligt, för minnets skull.