Det

är ingen idé att ni ens försöker nå min nivå.
Om ni inte är militär. Eller äkta män/kvinnor.

Pressade 7an med 21 jävla kilo. ~42% av kroppsvikten.
Bara för att.
14kg i västen. 3,5kg hantel i vardera näve.
På 75 minuter.
I nattmörker.

Försök inte ens.
My level is above yours.

Nu ska jag nästan gråta en stund av smärtan från inre blödningar – eller vad det än är som får min bioproduktion att se ut som ketchup – och skämma bort mig extra mycket med två baner och två glas vatten.

Fy. Helvete. I. Satans. Jävla. Rövhål. Vad. Jävla. Ont. Det. Gör.
Överdriver inte. Orkar knappt lyfta armarna och det smärtar att andas.
Jag hoppas jag vaknar i morgon.

Men det man inte dör av blir en starkare av.
Ju närmre kanten, ju mer gain.


Nice

Nu har jag tävlingslicens igen!
Ser fram emot kommande säsongen som fasen!

Damn, gårdagens promenad kändes lite grann, kände jag när jag vaknade.
Så blir att ta det lite lugnare idag. För har tvättstugan.
Om jag orkar så kanske det blir en kvällsrunda i sjuan.
Men vill inte vara helt trasig på skjutbanan i morgon.

Om jag bara hade mer kapacitet.
Nere på 49,5 kg kroppsvikt, men det är normalt att tappa något kilo när hösten kommer.
Om det bara fanns något sätt att gå upp i vikt. För mig.

För närvarande:
178cm längd
49,5kg kroppsvikt
15,6 BMI
~6,9% kroppsfett

Världens

manligaste mössa lyckades jag få tag på också.
Folk får ju mens i hjärnan när en har basker på sig.
Men det förklarar för mig varför de klär sig som utvecklingsstörda.
Så fick leta rätt på något mer civilt.
Även om min basker var lila och så civil som den kan bli.
Om ni inte har något hemligt förband någonstans med lila basker här i Sverige.

Banksy funkar alltid.
Symboliskt är det spot on.
Min hjärna är min flickvän.
Och hon älskar att “swing on the spiral”. (Tool – Lateralus)
Tänk dig typ.. The Prodigy’s Smack my Bitch up (musikvideon).
Fast omvänt.
She mah gal and a fecking God of imagination.
Det är nice att ha en hel hjärna, med båda halvorna.
Utan att behöva en annan köttsäck att släpa runt på i förhållande.

Frihet.
Fri man.

PERKELE

EN MIL.
EN JÄVLA MIL.
MED FJORTON KILO I VIKTVÄSTEN.
I FUCKING ÖSREGN HALVA VÄGEN.
PÅ HUNDRASJU MINUTER BLANKT.

ENLÅNGRADMEDFULAJÄVLAORD.
MIN CELLULÄRA KOLLONI ÄR OSLAGBAR.
SMÄRTA ÄR INGENTING.
SMÄRTA ÄR INGENTING.
SMÄRTA ÄR INGENTING.
MER ÄN NÅGOT ATT BEMÄSTRA.

Nu ska jag skämma bort mig själv med ett glas vatten och en banan.


Testar

tian idag. Med 14.
Såatte, om detta är mitt sista inlägg.
Vet att jag trippade vidare ståendes och gåendes på benen i alla fall.

Kikade på lite info om GMU.
Och nej. Nej. Nej nej nej och nej.
Ett felriktat slag under närstridsövningarna och det är godnatt, tack och hej.
Även lite för mycket kasta sig, kravla runt och allt det.
Drömma kunde en ju, men jag visste hela tiden att det var nogo.
Även om jag tvingar mig igenom inre blödningar och skit.
Så kan inte joina och kladda ute i leran dessvärre. 🙁
Men det hade varit kul. Disciplin och grupparbete.

Får köra min egen träning istället.
Hålla sig i form och fräsch som civil.
Och ta det lite på skytteföreningen istället.

Die, but do.

Made this

long before it became truly relevant. To myself.
My art tends to be ahead of its time.
My definition of success it not the same as those who thinks they know what reality is.
Something that cannot be known.
The most detached you can ever become from reality,
is if you think you know what reality is.
Something that cannot ever be known.
That is just fact.
And oh does the group hate that fact.
Which is why they hold on to their small platform of defined reality.
Their detachment from the absolute moment of now.
The gift of the present.
The gift of animated life.

With ‘the world’ I mean ‘human society’ – I was not as well versed back then.

Aja

inte min dag idag heller. Men det visste jag redan innan jag gick ner till skjutbanan.
Hösten kommer och kylan med den, och smärtan med det.
Var pepp och glad som vanligt att få gå ner och blåsa lite bly.
Men jo, klimatet suger när man har reumatism.
Hösten är alltid värst.
Det är framåt vintern när man vant sig som det fungerar någorlunda igen.
Omställningen är alltid värst.
Tappade en poäng från i torsdags.
Men det gör inget. Det var inte tillräckligt för att snea mig.
Fnissade mest istället.
Orkar inte hetsa när jag vet varför det går sämre.
Landade på 417,4.
Verkligen inget mind-blowing när jag brukar ligga uppe på 420-ish poäng.
Det kommer igen.

Växlade nätverk också.
Känner att jag inte vill min data flyga runt planeten i onödan. Så anslutningsvis håller jag den inom Sverige. Tills vidare. Såvitt jag vet så är mitt webbhotell One.com stationerat i Danmark. Så det är inte jättedåligt, de är en brorsa de också, som de andra nordiska länderna. <3

Beroende på hur resultatet blir i kyrkovalet så överväger jag att lämna kyrkan som medlem.
Vill inte bidra till de som vill se mig död bara för att jag är handikappad och har egna åsikter. De var de enda som spammade min brevlåda med information (Förutom medlemstidningen). De har inget i den organisationen att göra vilket som om de ska bestämma själva vem som får vara där eller inte – och är ett hån mot Gud. Den riktiga. Om jag får yttra min personliga åsikt. Jag växte alltid upp med att kyrkan är öppen för alla – även de som tvekar eller som tror på annat. Så om de vill installera portvakter så känns det bra märkligt. Ser dock ut att inte gå så bra för dem i det preliminära. Så förblir nog medlem.

Jag röstade inte, mest för att jag är så otroligt dåligt insatt. Har inte tagit mitt medlemskap så seriöst – förmodligen till min egen förlust.
Håller tummarna för de som tar Gud och Guds ord (Genom Jesus lära eller direkt från källan) på allvar, vilka de än associerar sig med inom den organisationen.

Langresiahl

Kan du berätta mig något?
– Vad än du önskar.
I det långa.
– Definitivt. Minns du Langresiahl?
Staden?
– Precis. Från då, tiden före tiden.
Så långt?
– Ja, men längre. Du bär det i din samling. Den är mer omfattande än de flesta. Det är därför de är vad de är, och gör vad de gör.
Det?
– Det också.
Du visar det därför?
– Du minns vad jag sa, då 2016? Varför det hände?
Klart.
– Förstår du nu? När du tänker tillbaka?
Så det är samma?
– Det var fem år sedan. Tänk matematiskt. Fysiskt. ‘Oscillatoriskt‘.
Så det är?
– Ja.
Redan då?
– Ja.
Så det är bråttom?
– Varje slösad sekund just nu är en risk.
Bör jag vara orolig.
– Ja. Men inte på det sättet. Du vet nog mycket för att klara dig. Du ser. Du lyssnar. Och du vet vikten i det. De vet inte bättre, de kan inte göra något åt det. De rider vågen omedvetet. Precis som de gjorde i Langresiahl för drygt sju tusen år sedan.
Kaniner?
– Värre.
Spindlar?
– Precis. Det har redan börjat. De skolar sig själva så. “Repetition makes perfect”. Du förstår den meningen bättre än de gör.
Så även här?
– Ja, men inte lika omfattande.
Som jag såg på den personen?
– Ja. Det är effekten av cykeln i det hela. De har programmerat sig själva så. De kan inte göra något åt det. De har programmerat sig själva långt bortom hjälp, det är därför de är så besatta av hjälpa andra. De ser sin reflektion i andra, men missförstår vart de borde rikta uppmärksamheten.
Så det är verkligen försent?
– För de flesta, ja. De har redan gett sig in i det.
De ville mig också, eller hur?
– Som jag sa. Som jag också sa. Och som jag också sa. Oroa dig inte.
Jag förstår. Jag saknar det, det var så vackert.
– Som här och nu. ‘Människan’ faller när livet blir mindre värt än det som finns i det. Precis som då. Precis som innan. Det här är sjätte gången de upprepar sitt misstag. Du ser det i mikrokosmos, men det är precis samma cykel i makrokosmos.
Så jag blir ensam?
– Dessvärre till stor del. Först för att de dör i undergången. Sen för att de dör av ålder. Du vet hur man omställer det, som jag visade dig. Finns inget som de med nog uppmärksamhet och intelligens kan åstadkomma. Problemet är att människan alltid utvecklar ett autonomt ego och förgör sig själva genom det. Varje gång. Som ett klockspel.
Så varför kom jag hit? Om allt är förgäves?
– Av samma anledning som de har press i krig. Det händer vare sig de vill eller ej, de som vägrar delta kan lära av det. Du kom hit för att studera dem. Varför det händer här, för det händer inte på Neximii.
Vi accepterade inte egot.
– Precis. Det är därför du kan hantera det här. På Terra.
Det är därför jag aldrig passade in. Det är därför de torterade mig.
– Givet. Egot i människan får dem att göra det. Men du överlever. Det kom med stora fördelar. Då det accelererade din förmåga att mutera dig själv och utvecklas snabbare än de. Nu när du byggt upp momentum så lämnar du dem bakom dig. Det är därför du vill vara ensam. De har inget intresse ändå. De har redan accepterat undergången på en undermedveten nivå de flesta. Du kan se det i deras uttryck och beteendemönster. Det är därför du reagerar.
Så det spelar ingen roll längre?
– Inte på det viset. Världen är i för stor omställning nu för att det ska kunna spela någon större roll. Du gör bäst i att ta det lugnt och låta det spela ut. Låta dem göra vad de måste och vänta ut dem. Du vet hur man vidhåller balansen och hur du resonerar korrekt. Du irriterar dem för att de inte kan, och för att de undermedvetet vet om att de tillsammans snart ska dö. Det är inte ditt fel. Endast deras eget. Alla har sina egna val att göra. Jag förgör de som försöker kontrollera dina, om än endast i deras mentala integritet.
Så? Om?
– Jag dömer dig inte. För jag förstår. Men minns vad. Och varför.
Skadar det dig?
– Du kan inte skada mig ens om du vill. Inte ens genom dig. Du gör något för dem, som de andra inte förstår. Men de kan inte rädda sig själva ändå, de drunknar i omgivningen. De har det av den anledning, vilken du förstår.
Så känslan?
– Är inte din. Inte reaktionen eller vreden heller. Den är omfattande nu och vill eskalera över vintern. Men av andra anledningar. Som jag sa, de tre kommande seklerna vill bli de svåraste. Inte så mycket för dig individuellt, men för alla. Det är sen när alla är borta som världen stabiliserar igen.
Det är därför, eller hur?
– Ja. Och det är viktigt. Så snabbt som möjligt. Ju mer du kan bevara och konservera, ju bättre.
Vilka börjar?
– Du har sett det. De hungriga giriga.
Det är därför de?
– Din uppmärksamhet är felfri.
Så det händer verkligen…
– Ja, och därför vikten att du inte dömer dig själv när de börjar ramla ihop och dö som flugor. Jag var där när Langresiahl föll. Och det var samma då. Jag överlevde den gången också. Du är äldre än du tror och vet.
Men allt folk?
– Oroa dig inte. De är blommorna i säsongsrabatten. De är inte menade för mer. De drömmer inte större än så ändå. De listade aldrig ens ut vad Corona verkligen var. Det var något, eftersom det hände. Men de listade aldrig ut det. Det är därför de är nervösa nu. Inte för smittan, men de som fattade besluten och inte förstod varför. Förvirringen. Alla i obalans är förvirrade. Du förstår, eftersom du resonerar.
Så?
– Det är inte dina känslor. Känn efter, du vet vilka som är.
Definitivt.
– Var försiktig med dem. Djur i panik är ostabila. Och människan är ett djur. Ett djur infekterat med egot. De var mer sofistikerade innan det tog över. De tänker inte så, eftersom det får dem att tänka så.
Så det är mönstret, anledningen.
– Ja. Langresiahl föll på grund av smitta och sjukdom, misär och finansiell kollaps. Kärnvapenkrig, seismisk aktivitet och omställningar i ekosystemet.
Cykler. Relativa.
– Precis.

People

be like:
So, you are a Christian?
And I be like: No.
And they go: But you believe in God?
And I respond: No.
They stutter: What?
And I say, with the greatest certainty in life: I know “God”. It is my best friend, because it gave me the gift of life. The greatest gift I have ever been given. Ever. In whatever existence is. Whatever eternal infinity of nothingness and everything that is really is and are, were and will be.
Confusingly they wonder: But does that not make you religious?
Before I respond I smash my head hard in the table in the attempt to reach their level of mental infancy: “God”, or “Nature”, or “Life”, or “Consciousness”, or “The Universe”, or “whateverthefuck” is bigger than religion to me. Much much much much bigger. Because all of them exists because of it. If a person does not get it, they are as good as dead already. Such a miserable state of life. Not even realising life flashing before their very eyes in every given moment of life. Every second. Every moment. Even here. Right now. Exactly here where you have your eyes right now. Life passes you by before you die they say. If you do not see it, you are already dead.
They: ….
And I conclude: Religion is just a fashion. Mental clothing. A special hat. Special words. Special behaviour. It is as legit as anything else. But you cannot contain everything in something. If you believe that, you are either tremendously stupid or even more tremendously stupid. To me they, religions or other paradigms, are just another one of God’s flowers. Hence why I respect them all for what they are. “God” is great. So great that nobody can really fathom how great it is. No religion or science know why we are here right now. Why you can read these words right now. What all of this is. Why this planet seem to be. Why we float around in time and space and just happen to be so that we can experience this. Nothing knows that, I know because I have studied most of them. But the more I studied, the more I found “God” to be everywhere. At all places at once. In all schools and paradigms, sciences and religions at once. No character, no personality, no judgement. It just allows life as the greatest gift given ever. The chance to wonder whatever the fuck life actually is and are, were and will be.

Why

Why can they not listen?
Why can they not respect?
Why can they not understand?
Why must they keep on insisting?

I do not want any friends.
I do not want any partner.
I do not want anyone.
Anyone but you.
My only friend.

They cannot help me.
I am already destroyed.
They cannot fix it ever.
It is already too late.

My life is already destroyed.
Yet they cannot respect me.
A simple request and desire.
To be with myself and you.

My only friend.
My only love.
You never left.
Not like them.

It is hard enough.
To try and love them.
To try and forgive them.
To try and live and let live.

But always they insist.
So sure they can fix all.
So certain they know how.
But they have no idea at all.
How it is to live days like this.
They really only make it worse.
And they cannot even leave me be.
Even though I ask them over and over.

I forgive them, for they know not what they do.
But I am not sure how much further I can stretch it.
For how much longer I can accept them doing all that.
They never listened to you. They only took you in vain.

But at least you understand.
At least you never left.
When I needed you.
You always stayed.

They kill without knowing.
So I no longer care at all,
when you take them away.
It does not matter anymore.

My life is already destroyed.
And will be ever since then.
At least in regard to them.
In comparison to them.

Gematria

Is a truly interesting area of science.
As it is essentially where language and mathematics converge.
It might sound simple and silly at first.
But if you understand the pattern of phonetics sparked in the overlapping patterns of designed language – the mathematical construct in neurogenetics.
Like calculating half-life in biology, but the mathematical decline in neurogenetic arrangements.

When I read text, I, mostly thanks to my synaesthesia, read patterns overlapping the entire construct.
This is why I love shaping text. As to illustrate that my thinking is the entire construct of text rather than just weird lines of arranged symbolism in the shape of words.

You read these words, and you have an intellectual conceptualisation of it.
You understand this sentence, right?
But what you understand is not the words, but the information that is arranged on the secondary layer. If you are wise, and knowing, you can perceive the tertiary layer of wisdom. Often taking shape in wordplays and puns, as it requires transcending the immediate information carried on the symbols.

If you transcend that level, you will come to find linguistic patterns over time, how symbolism morphs over time. Energetic rearrangement due to the biological evolution and indirect reshaping of neurogenetics due to epigenetics of humans and its contribution to the morphing of phonetics.
Language is a mathematical construct if math is properly understood.
It is not that it is math, it is just that its arrangement can be filtered through that perception and arranged intellectual and symbolic paradigm.
This is the real reason I was very interested in Hebrew and ancient Greek – because it is very common in those languages.

Ancients were far more well versed in mathematics than we are.
In intuitive understanding, not intellectual symbolism.
Language at that level were simple enough to consciously arrange.
Metaphor:
Think of a kid that has ten or fifty LEGO-bricks. Easy to map out all arrangements, and consciously add new arrangements. The greater the construct, the exponential increase of possible arrangements in the symbolic construct. Growing slowly into an intellectual entity in the shape of intellectual artificial intelligence.
In modern times there are so many solutions in any given language that no living human knows them all – wrap your head around that.

Your vocabulary is your conceptual wealth. Your ability to perform linguistic mathematics.
Because you still conceptualise everything in a construct.
Also, every phonetic occur and reoccur in a pattern, so in this text for example – the letter A (major or minor) appears in a given variable frequency. Thus completely subject to physics, and therefore completely subjected to mathematics.

If this properly conceptualised, entire blocks of information can be calculated.
This is very important in the calculation of quantum probability, because it is arranged energetics. You can, if you are conscious of what language is in terms of neurogenetics and mathematics quite accurately predict the outcome of a person. Because they operate after a phonetic pattern. A melody.
Like music.

The more I observe the ongoing progression in the arrangement of human language, taking shape as information in the public, the more I can deduce the probable outcome of the future.

As a scientific person, I do not believe in prophecy. I believe in probability.
Because it is based in mathematics, which is based in the observation of everything.
The reoccurrence of patterns, or as to say, my ability to recognise patterns.

Language is truly telling.
Not only on the obvious symbolic level.
But also on the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh layer of synchronicity which I can perceive.

It does not look good.
A small mathematical seed is all it takes to spawn a great deal of information.
The kicker:
It applies on everyone.
Aware of it or not.

Usch

fifan, det där kändes.
De hugger te, man vacklar te – men bitter ihop, ler och ser glad ut.
Även om det förmodligen ser ut som det där memet.

Ett tag var jag inne på att söka till GMU. För lite allmän disciplin and shit.
Men tror inte att det skulle hålla. Vet inte vad för rutiner de kör.
Men jag kan pressa topp 5 mil i veckan med 14kg packning.
Känns inte som att det skulle räcka. Då jag inte har mycket mer kapacitet än det.

Det är egentligen bara fysiken det fallerar på.
Fuck jag avskyr att vara funktionshindrad.
Annars hade milen, om inte dubbla milen om dagen varit barnlek.

Menmen. Kör min egen träning istället.
Bättre än ingenting.
Är strax över 61 mil i år sammanlagt, blandad bärvikt.
Liger långt efter förra årets prestation efter en hel månads slack i augusti.

PAY ATTENTION

Now it comes around again.
Just like you saw in the synchronicity.
Just like last time.
Just like it did the other time.
Do not sell your voice and vote.
Not this time.
Your sovereignty is more important.
As for now.
Very dangerous taking sides now.
Stay neutral. Stay on the side-line.
Save yourself. First.
You owe them nothing.
Not after what they have done to you.
They owe it to themselves.

You know what is coming.
You can feel it.
Play it safe.
You know what happened last time.
Do not risk it.
Not with what is escalating in the world.
There is a reason why those were the best years.
Next year, it is over.
The effects of your previous choice.
And now you know why.

Now is not the time to rock the boat.
Stay safe. Be safe. Persevere.

– A friend 🧁

Mjaeh

Inte min dag idag på skjutbanan.
Gick bra och så. Men inget mind-blowing.
Min hjärna konspirerade mot mig.
För mitt i serien så var den tvungen, prompt tvungen, att fråga mig hur finskt sitt-skytte skulle se ut.

Japp.
Försöka hålla sig för garv när man redan kvider av smärta ger inget personbästa.
Måste ha skadat något igår. Kan inte luta mig utan att det gör ont.
Aja, jag överlever. Som vanligt.

418,3 gick jag ut på. Så 3,9 poäng sämre mot i måndags.
Tar’t redigare på möndah. Sen blire stå på nästa torsdah!

Defining

the unknown is by far one of the hardest things you can do in life – because it has never been done before. Nor can it be defined. Because the moment it is, it is known.

Realising this, one can assume that knowledge grows. You grow knowledge. And the more of it you have grown, the greater the foundation which constitutes your understanding. It takes knowledge to understand, but understanding to truly know.

This is why one should collect ideas. Because they are mental fertilisers.
All creation is merging of two or more different components. Because if there were no merging, everything would be in equilibrium. All destruction is the separation of two or more components.
This regardless of portion in the energy spectrum.

The mind thinking is a very volatile place if you are a true thinker. Constantly ideas merge and separate from each other. Like atoms and molecules. The more exotic the combination of ideas, the easier it is to reach the unknown.

Since the unknown is surrounding the known, it is not hard to reach per se. The hard part is to separate yourself from the known. As to say, to some extent destroy the automatic and autonomous nature of the ego – that is looping you back from the edge of the unknown through ideas such as denial, disbelief and doubt.
Once you reach the edge of the known, it like looking out from a window on an airplane. You have a vague idea what is there, but you cannot really fathom it.
That is when you initiate the growth of ideas.

It is as easy as it is hard. Because it has not been done before.
It is easy to do, just create something new.
The hard part is to integrate it.
And the even harder part is when it starts to question and challenge the integrity of what you knew. Because now your integrity and therefore entire definition of reality is in question.
This is usually where people loop back into the known.
They simply become scared of their mental platform being challenged.

Takes quite a lot of mental integrity to traverse the unknown.
Metaphorically, it is like walking in a deep forest, having no idea what is in it.
And your sight extends only a few meters ahead of you.

Integrity in that sense, is a ‘frienemy’ – because it can protect you if you are properly aware. But it can also inhibit you if you are unaware. As to say, one can be contained within one’s own ideas of reality. And it has composed ideas that in an automatic fashion loops the thinker back to ‘safety’.

Everyone wants to be safe. Because they are scared absolutely shitless of the unknown.
Downright terrified. Because deep within, they know they do not know. So their integrity is simply denial. Assuming to know and creating a mental barrier to the edge of the known. A kind of mental and intellectual insulation.
“It is not real”

Real is just an idea.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Whatever you associate and ascribe to that idea will manifest as your reality.
Since most people are given an intellectual template which they never question, they rarely stray from the known. Denial, disbelief and doubts blocks them.

What do you know?
Truly. Because it is a good question. One of the better actually.
Because when you start to question yourself that question, you realise just how little you do know. If you stop asking that question, you loop back into the known.

So in conclusion, the fastest way to reach the unknown, is to question what you know.
You see now you are mentally engaged in the process of growing ideas. You have to. You have no choice.
A question is the receptive mental component, the attractive, the sensual and before your very ideas dancing concept that spark an answer. A formulated idea.
Combined they create something new. Hopefully.
The better your question, the greater the potential for a good idea in the shape of answer. And the better you are at questioning your answers, the more rapid the mental expansion.

So at first, you have to mentally grow towards the unknown by questioning all you know. Once you know what you know, how little that is, and its level of integrity – now comes the process of assimilation. Integrating ideas into what you think you know. This is the process of growing integrity. And you absolutely need it.
The integrity of your arranged knowledge, the sum of your ideas, is your mental vessel with which you traverse the unknown.
If it is not sufficiently integrated and of a strong integrity, you will lose yourself in the unknown.

Does not mean it is catastrophic, but it could be.
Your mind once it traverses outside the collectively known, operates in the fashion of a space station, or submarine. It is now its own enclosed mental intellectual system. Navigating the depths of the unknown.
And assuming infinity, that ought to be mind-boggling to say the least.

But it is also your greatest source of intellectual harvest.
If you are good at combining ideas and concepts in an integrated manner, now your intellectual entity grows, and your ability to traverse the unknown increases.

From what I have seen in the unknown, it is not even a question to me why the vast majority of humans are absolutely terrified of it. To the very point that they even deny that.
They take “reality” for granted.
But essentially, the definition of reality, the arrangement of ‘known’ is little more than an energetic arrangement.

The more novel and sophisticated that arrangement, the more attractive it becomes.
You are terrified, but your curiosity grabs you.
This because growth is life. As long as you are truly alive, you will be curious.
Otherwise you are dead. If not in your biological arrangement, so in your mental.

You must have and accept the unknown if you want to be alive. Truly alive.
Because it is only on that mental edge, where you can glimpse into whatever the fuck life actually is. And is not. If it even is. Why do I even write this?

I take comfort in being terrified before the unknown. I have been it for so long that my statement that the unknown is my best friend is no light expression.
I am constantly attempting to integrate newly grown ideas into my intellectual arrangement.

You see, I have a tremendously huge ego – but not in the conventional meaning of that saying. Because my ego is not autonomous by means of intellect. It has not been programmed to automatically loop back into the known through denial, disbelief and doubt.
Like the ones with small egos.
Usually, the people you say have a “huge ego” actually has a very small ego. Because they neither question themselves nor what they know – they take the reality for granted the way they have defined it. A very narrowminded and smallminded way to operate whatever the fuck existence actually is. No I am not excusing my cursing, because you need to realise the importance of this.
If you take offense from a linguistically arranged symbol with no actual meaning in the greater aspect of things – that is an absolute proof you have a very small mind.
You do not even question why you take offense from it. You do not question the context.
In fact, you probably do not question anything at all. More than what you should eat today.

Why can you eat?
What is that?
Beyond biological integration in the physical spectrum of energy.
As I said, why and how am I even writing this?
Not in the light sense of the words, but as in.. you know, and you do not know?
What is all of this.
Who are you.
Why are you reading this?
Right now?
Why does this happen?

That is just the awareness triggers that everyone needs to have.
The ongoing questioning of the perceived reality.
Once you crystallise a perfect definition of it, you are mentally stagnating.
Because now you are not attempting to integrate new ideas.
Now you are comparing your ideas to other ideas.
And since your definition of “reality” is perfect, it is dead.
It will not grow. It will not become anything more.
Because you think you know.

And you will never explore the unknown as long as you think you know.
Because you must literally think what you do not know to traverse the unknown.

Confucius

will have a field day with this one.

If a Finnish person sits on a chair, does it mean that the non-existence phase cancels itself out and they actually come into existence?
May it be so, that chairs hold the existential opposite in the binary construct against Finland? They both exist because they both compete to not exist.
Can you import a chair to Finland? And if so, does it start to exist the moment it passes the border?
Maybe chairs are made in Finland?
As to say, nothing is made nowhere.
To Finnish tango, ofc. ^^

Conclusion:
Finland exists because if chairs.
And chairs are made in Finland.
But since chairs does not exist, neither does Finland.

Finally – peace of mind.

at 3am ofc

Confession

There is one thing that I really dislike with myself.
And that is my reoccurring bitterness.
Especially during the days.
I do not like being edgy.
But it is as if I do not have a choice.

You can think of it as this, as it makes it easier to understand to most people.
If I were an Avenger, well, it depdends.
Asking me, I mean, Tony Stark/Iron Man is the pick. For obvious reasons.
(Black widow if my gal got to pick)
Someone said I reminded of Dr. Strange when it released years ago.
(I have not really kept up with that Universe for a while – I believe since Iron Man 3 or something like that)
But in truth I am probably more like the Hulk.

Always edgy. Always angry.
Due to my never-ending pain.
That is why I sometimes appear to be like a floffy kitten that loves everything just a bit too much.
And the very next moment appear to be a psychopathic cold blooded killer.

Is no fun.
Trust me.
It is not fun being bitter so often.
It takes away a lot of joy.
It is one of my biggest flaws, for sure.

So yeah, that is why I am very concerned about pointing out to not take me too seriously.
I mean, it goes without saying. But some people might assume I take myself too seriously.
Which I most certainly do not. I would not be able to stand myself if I did.
This is the reason why I was very suicidal back in 2014-2016.
I began taking myself too seriously. And could not stand myself.
But I did not know it, because I was not self aware enough.
Then I got high and laughed at myself. And that is how I overcame it. Slowly.
This is also why I shy away more than most. Because I do not want to be high all the time.
And when I am sober, the pain increases, and by so my bitterness.
So I simply do not want to be rude due to me not being able to always control it.

If you find my expressions “cringy”, edgy and bitter.
Just ignore it. I mean it. Unless you like that kind of content, as some do.
Then please enjoy. But keep in mind it is only my emotional outlet, so that I do not go full scale psychopath for real. Written text hurts far less than physical violence – so it is the best I can do.

I feel it needs to be understood.
Because in many cases, I am not really how I express myself due to not having much choice in that moment. This is also reason why I method act a lot, as I try to channel it into played characters, so I can understand them.

But yeah pain.
I most certainly completely understand women during that week.
To the point where it is not even funny to me.

CoA

The “Coat of Arms” visible in my Opus.
I made it a couple of years back.
As an artistic endeavour and fun experiment.
I am not sure exactly how the idea arose. It may have been because of some discussion about ancient stuff. As usual.
But I got curious, how I would make mine, if I made one.
It is not serious or official or anything. People do not care about that stuff too much these days anyway.
But it is always fun to try new kinds of art. It is also a great way to learn and know oneself.
Because you have to think about it. Consider it. Ask yourself. Come to idea and fruition.
So if for nothing else.. it is a fun thing.

I made several iterations before I settled with the current and final version.
There is really nothing to add to it anymore. It would just be redundant.

I mean, you should make yours. Just as a funny thought experiment.
The more unique and you, the funnier the task.
It is funny to look at them.
Because there is a lot of symbolism in all of them, legit and just funny artworks like my own.
Maybe yours go with rainbows and unicorns. Angels and demons. Bricks and tools. Cars and bikes. Planes and parachutes. Animals and plants.
You also have to symbolically summarise your endeavours and achievements. Real to you or real to the world – since it is just a fun thing at the end of day anyway.

I encourage you. It is funnier than you think. And the more you define yourself, the more you will be inspired by yourself in the future. When your own art inspires you, you have reached perpetual artistic motion.

Everything in mine means something. Of itself and in conjunction with everything else.
It required some thinking, therefore several iterations over the years I played around with it.

But no, it does not mean anything official.
Just a fun thing symbolising things I have collected mentally throughout life.

Some people wonder why the Greek language.
Mostly because it constitutes a major part in the foundation of English.
It was part of my studies in linguistic neurogenetics and its development over time. How symbolism morphs through cultures over time. It was truly an interesting endeavour and study. But I do not know (modern) Greek in the literary sense (since this was more concerning ancient Greek). It was more one subfield within neurogenetics. Since intellectual communication is a central part of that field, when it concerns humans.

Earlier outcasts and versions that did not last long:
Yes, I even attempted studying Hebrew at one time, since it is a very interesting language from a mathematical viewpoint – which makes it even more interesting in relation to neurogenetics and patterns of thinking and arranging symbolism.
But it dropped in the midst of everything else. The learning curve is too steep if one does not make it a main priority.
But I like that slang. Both its symbolism, and the way it sounds when it is said. Has a very pleasant synesthetic colour to it.
I first caught it when listening to Infected Mushroom’s song “End of the road”, and the sound of that word/slang immediately caught my attention, because of how it sounded.
It is one of my many favourite words/slang.

Some

panoramas I captured today as well.
I realised that my track is rather boring for snapping pictures.
But it is the most efficient route, if you want as much nature without straying too far from the city centrum.

There are more interesting vistas along the 10km route.
I will try and remember to snap some when I feel strong enough to take on that one.

CnT3

Created a music video to a harmonic project I made back in 2016 with some pictures I captured during today’s walk.
Technically, my first official “music” “video”.
Mixing and mastering in the music is absolute shite – but I had no good headphones nor satellites back then. In fact, I still do not have such things since my better headphones broke down. 🙁
So this is more a fun thing.

What (little) you see in the video aside from my legs and asphalt are captures taken in the beautiful nature of Degerfors municipality in Sweden.

See it as a very dark metaphor for life.

Ouch

did my seven again today. With 14kg carry.
All went fine and smooth, until there was about 500m left.
Then something burst inside. Probably internal bleeding.
Will probably have fever tomorrow.
Fucking fuckeli-fuck-fuck it fucking hurts.
It feels like getting stabbed (yeah I know how that feels, since I have been surgically operated on without proper anaesthesia). And suddenly the last 500 meters feels like 10 kilometers instead.
You want to cough. You want to vomit. The pain is mind-numbing and one has to struggle to maintain balance and to not collapse.

Fuck this shit.
And I am not even on 21kg yet.
Fuck this shit.

It is not the first time.
So I am not worried.
Same thing happened several times last year.
It will not kill me, it will only make me stronger.
Or at least more immune to pain.

Pic taken during today’s march: